Firstly... this is a review of a specific room in this hotel: Room 1.
I know for a fact that other rooms are nicer... because the manager accidentally showed us to the suite on the top floor (which looked delightful...) when we arrived... before realising his mistake, 10 minutes later, and taking us down to the correct room. D'oh..!!
Room 1, then... is... just grim, really. If you're familiar with UK chain hotels, we're looking at a 'quite a long way sub-Travelodge' level of grimness... not actually dirty (and, in fairness, the room was well house-kept), but apparently untouched since c.1983 and with all the charm of week-dead roadkill.
So... briefly... dead telly (no signal at all) attached to a USB-powered aerial booster shoved out on the window-ledge, horrible cracked polystyrene ceiling tiles, no ventilation in the windowless bathroom (which smelt pretty grim most of the time), peeling wall coverings, cracked bathroom tiles, horrible woodchip wallpaper, stunningly uncomfortable beds (two single beds, even though we'd requested a double room... so much for a romantic break in Cologne...) and utterly joyless decor. I have honestly stayed in more stylishly rendered squats.
And as for the rest of the hotel... well, the Reception closes at 6pm (after which, the staff seemingly vacate the premises... which just doesn't seem very safe or secure to me...), the breakfast was patchy (some items not replaced for latecomers, and dicey quality in any case... we stopped bothering after day 2), the lift only went to the half-landings between floors (so no additional accessibility, there...), and the location - while central - is appallingly noisy for a hotel with no aircon (so... windows open all night and not a chance of deep, restful sleep).
To their credit, the staff were pleasant... but we paid in advance and stayed for a week, costing me about a month's disposable income, and I'd have rather just stayed at home.
One, sadly, to avoid then.